Dear Mr. God (Dec. 30, 2010)

Dear Mr. God

If only you live next door

So everyday I could visit you

Let's have hot choco and cookies

Me sharing what I have been through all day

And when I am lonely, I could just knock on your door

In the middle of the night, you'd welcome me to your home

God, the year 2010 is ending. If I were to travel back and take note of the things that happened in 2010, here are my memories:

1. I had wonderful group mates in nursing. I could openly be myself around them. I may be weird and older by age acting younger than they are but they accept me as I am. However, after graduation, only in Facebook do I have connection with them.
2. I finally finished all four-years of nursing in 5 years. However, I found out I can't have my transcript and diploma unless I complete 25 cases in OR/DR. By the end of 2010, I finished all 25 cases. Made my draft but necessary names of nurses are still incomplete.
3. Owned my first dSLR, a Canon 500D. A gift for my graduation. Sadly, a day after I bought that (because I was so impatient) I found out 550D was already in the market. Nonetheless, I really shouldn't be putting my father down. He bought the camera. However, here I am. Jobless and not a clue what to do in life.
4. I met Achie's special someone. I got jealous. Later, somehow, Achi & I had a bad connection that I was like grounded from talking to her for 2 months. And told to venture out sharing to other Achies than just her. (I have 'trust' problems. And I am scared.)
5. It seemed like my imaginations became real until it was taken away. Unrealistic. I mean, what makes it unrealistic when it was real. It became real. Now, I'm back trapped in this lonely self.
6. I found out I was really beyond repair that I might always have problems socially (interaction and communication).
7. Told to dream again even though I stopped dreaming. The result: I'm sad. Those dreams are impossibly far from becoming true.
8. Started earning for my video making. However, on Christmas Day, there was a problem with my pricing that I was too expensive. I should have stopped accepting offers. Money is always the problem. Money breaks relationships but money also is used to spend time with friends. I have always hated money. Before, I trust God He provides. Now, I have to earn it.
9. Have I wasted this year? By being such a procrastinator or just so unwilling and unmotivated to do anything?
10. I am sad. Because of life. Of career. Of relationships.
11. It's the last week of 2010 and I'm sick.

God, show yourself to me. Please. I know I don't have much of a relationship with you. Not much of a relationship with my family either. Not much of any relationship, if that even exists in my life.

There are things I've been told that I should do. Things my conscience is telling me to do. However, I'm not doing anything. That's me: Doing nothing. Where can I get some motivation? Enthusiasm even. Even for just a slight. I know living with you, God, isn't always about enthusiasm but I just want to be happy. I may have been so indifferent about happiness. Me rejecting to accept or to see that people are happy. It's like I'm afraid to be happy because happiness will just fade away. I have experienced when I am very happy, just a little discouragement, I lost the spark. And it hurts a lot. Oh, if only I could have lived differently.

Wish I could start over. Like, if I can't study film school, I'd just study IT here, majoring multimedia. There's La Salle, but that's also dreamy. So, maybe, STI. But God, I need finances. Help me pay my schooling. But first help me finish my draft. Then finish the final template and have my transcript and diploma before I apply for school.

Better face what's real than dream what's not there.

God, please! Help me!