Dear God (Aug. 5, 2011)

Dear God,

I am a coward. I am isolating myself from Your people.

I am scared because I don't wish to feel the emotions that are brought by the pain that is present at these times.

I want to love. I want to be with Your family, but I'm hindered because of the pain.

God, You love me so much, but having a relationship with You is not two-way like the relationships with people. Having a relationship with You is three-way.

God, I don't want to lose my spiritual mother just like others who have taken care of me before her. I don't want us to happen like my past.

God, I have already presented back myself to my spiritual mother and have found that isolating myself is wrong for the reason of protecting myself from her because I am not safe with her anymore. However, I am still isolating myself from her and from everyone.

All I want from her is to take back what she has said, but whatever is, whether she would take it back or not, God, I miss my spiritual mother, my Big Sister.

God, take care of my Big Sister.

God, I also pray to hurry up the times of healing for her because I am getting sicker. I don't like these stomachaches and frequent headaches.

She may have lost her trust in me, but I have lost my trust in her first. However, I still adore her and love her.

God, You are a God of relationships. You are not my God if I have no relationships. God bring us back together and I am sorry for the breaking of the bond You have brought to us. You have given me her; it is not I who bring me to her. You have brought me to her; it is not her who has led me to her. It is all Your work.

God, I am sorry.

Help me grow with You.

Help me to love with You.

Help me be overflowingly sufficient in You.

God, please be my God. Help me.

I am sorry. I have sinned.

I am crushed

I am broken

I am sorry

For I have sinned

I slander

I idolize

I lie

I am impure

I divide what God has made whole

I am sorry

For I have sinned

I deserve bad things

I deserve being hated

I deserve to be empty from God's blessings

I am sorry

For I have sinned

I have no power to change things

I have no control to mend relationships

I have a history of broken pasts

Still, I am sorry

For I have sinned

Forgive me God

For I have sinned against you and your family

Draw me close to you

You make all things good is blurry to me

Let me trust you and lean not on my own understanding

God, I have a broken past

God, heal my present

God, make my future whole

I am sorry

For I have sinned

Dear Mr. God (Dec. 30, 2010)

Dear Mr. God

If only you live next door

So everyday I could visit you

Let's have hot choco and cookies

Me sharing what I have been through all day

And when I am lonely, I could just knock on your door

In the middle of the night, you'd welcome me to your home

God, the year 2010 is ending. If I were to travel back and take note of the things that happened in 2010, here are my memories:

1. I had wonderful group mates in nursing. I could openly be myself around them. I may be weird and older by age acting younger than they are but they accept me as I am. However, after graduation, only in Facebook do I have connection with them.
2. I finally finished all four-years of nursing in 5 years. However, I found out I can't have my transcript and diploma unless I complete 25 cases in OR/DR. By the end of 2010, I finished all 25 cases. Made my draft but necessary names of nurses are still incomplete.
3. Owned my first dSLR, a Canon 500D. A gift for my graduation. Sadly, a day after I bought that (because I was so impatient) I found out 550D was already in the market. Nonetheless, I really shouldn't be putting my father down. He bought the camera. However, here I am. Jobless and not a clue what to do in life.
4. I met Achie's special someone. I got jealous. Later, somehow, Achi & I had a bad connection that I was like grounded from talking to her for 2 months. And told to venture out sharing to other Achies than just her. (I have 'trust' problems. And I am scared.)
5. It seemed like my imaginations became real until it was taken away. Unrealistic. I mean, what makes it unrealistic when it was real. It became real. Now, I'm back trapped in this lonely self.
6. I found out I was really beyond repair that I might always have problems socially (interaction and communication).
7. Told to dream again even though I stopped dreaming. The result: I'm sad. Those dreams are impossibly far from becoming true.
8. Started earning for my video making. However, on Christmas Day, there was a problem with my pricing that I was too expensive. I should have stopped accepting offers. Money is always the problem. Money breaks relationships but money also is used to spend time with friends. I have always hated money. Before, I trust God He provides. Now, I have to earn it.
9. Have I wasted this year? By being such a procrastinator or just so unwilling and unmotivated to do anything?
10. I am sad. Because of life. Of career. Of relationships.
11. It's the last week of 2010 and I'm sick.

God, show yourself to me. Please. I know I don't have much of a relationship with you. Not much of a relationship with my family either. Not much of any relationship, if that even exists in my life.

There are things I've been told that I should do. Things my conscience is telling me to do. However, I'm not doing anything. That's me: Doing nothing. Where can I get some motivation? Enthusiasm even. Even for just a slight. I know living with you, God, isn't always about enthusiasm but I just want to be happy. I may have been so indifferent about happiness. Me rejecting to accept or to see that people are happy. It's like I'm afraid to be happy because happiness will just fade away. I have experienced when I am very happy, just a little discouragement, I lost the spark. And it hurts a lot. Oh, if only I could have lived differently.

Wish I could start over. Like, if I can't study film school, I'd just study IT here, majoring multimedia. There's La Salle, but that's also dreamy. So, maybe, STI. But God, I need finances. Help me pay my schooling. But first help me finish my draft. Then finish the final template and have my transcript and diploma before I apply for school.

Better face what's real than dream what's not there.

God, please! Help me!

Dear God (Aug 22, 2010)

Dear God,

I don't know how you've engineered me. I don't know your plans. I have heard I shouldn't be aware of myself but be aware more about you.

I don't know you. I don't always get to hear from you or feel a touch from you. I have read your Word and could remember where a verse is placed. I could recite and decipher, but I fail to incorporate verses when faced with troubles. I don't know or I may have forgotten how to be intimate with you.

I have been told that you could never allow something to happen to me if I don't really like it. However, I doubt that because how come I am still haunted by it again and again? How come I'm still facing that something which I really hate?

Now, I am actually doing videos with payment. However, I seem like I want out from it. Maybe because of the feeling of pressure which I don't like. Am I not to avoid some things that is overwhelming me? How come I am always faced and couldn't stay away from the things that overwhelms me?

God, it's too much. Whenever I am overwhelmed, my mind narrows. I couldn't widen it so I could think or focus on you and your Word. My mind narrows that it could only focus forward on the overwhelming situation. I try looking back thinking maybe I can escape yet all I could see is a long dark tunnel.

Things that overwhelm me with pressure and I end up weary:

Nursing/hospital works

School/grades

Work/deadlines

People/socialzing and fitting in

Following orders/inability to do them well properly

God, how can I get focused on you when I always forget about you? I distract myself with things that I could easily reach and do. I don't know how to distract with you. Sometimes I wish that I'm taught more about you and your ways, and less of your acts, less of what I am supposed to act like as a Christian.

I couldn't even call myself as a Christian without being ashamed because aside from doctrine and the gospel of your birth and death here on earth to save us from our sins, I still don't understand that. Your Word says you love me. Even from my mother's womb you know my name. You love me that you even let me come to be conscious of you. I can't even turn back from the Truth because you've let me know you are Truth.

God, I'm lost. Save me from everything. From being overwhelmed and from being unable to understand the gospel and your Love no matter how much I know your Word. Save me.

Dear God (Aug 6, 2009)

Dear God, there is not a day you forget me. Not a day you give up on me. Not a day you leave me. These mood swings are part my personality. When I'm up and high, may I be happy enjoying your blessings. When I'm down and low, may I remember your goodness, remember those days you made me feel your presence.

Dear God, I thank you for this smile of mine. The smile can be the worst lie I could make. People may see me so happy because of the smile but nobody can see the person crying deep inside, deep beneath that smile. I still thank you for the smile for even in worst times, I can smile. Others have a hard time to just smile, but a smile shows the meaning of my name and the treasure you set me. A smile can make things light. Yet a smile is all I can offer to this weary heart.

Dear God, there are just a lot of down times I don't understand. Downs I am not sure of. Downs I can't talk about. Downs I can't describe.

Dear God, I know, you know more than I do. And I thank you.

Dear God, the days don't stop, don't rewind, don't (thank goodness!) fast forward. But what more can I ask for, what more I can't wait for, but that day, the time I am ready and you take me home to be with you. It may seem weird to be asking for death but death to me is life.

Dear God, set before me your plans. Set before me your goals. Set me the person you will me be.

Dear God, I don't want to stop thinking of you even in times I feel like giving up and pessimistic. I don't want to be relying on others to fill my needs. Things are temporary out here and you know how fearful I am. Fearful of broken or faded relationships. Fearful of growing up. Fearful to live long. Fearful of almost everything. I still want you more than I want your people. Yet I thank you for the particular persons you have sent me through these years. Some painful, some vanished. Some grateful, some fulfilling. And some, I thank you so much that if only I could measure the universe and scale how much I thank you for that.

Dear God, if only these things last, but I know, there are new things in every new stages in life, and you have new in store for me. 21 or not. I'm just me....me engulfed by you.

Dear God, thank you for letting me have a relationship with you.

A Light In Every Tunnel (A Testimony) - Apr10'09

(Life has its own tunnels. Tunnels are dark. However, tunnels also have its entrances and exits. When you enter one, how sure can you get out? I, for one, entered a tunnel. I almost gave up walking and finding my way out from that long treacherous tunnel. With grace, I was able to find my out because I found the Light. Now, whenever I enter another tunnel, I make sure to find the LIGHT.)

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I thank God for the blessings he has given me. For the Love he has shown me. For the glory he has me possessed. For the treasure he has shared.

Before, I was a lost lamb. So lost I didn’t know what love was, what friends meant. What it meant to live together with people. I had nowhere to turn to. I knew there was God, but knowing and believing in Him worth everything? I tried everything to be near to God. I called for Him. I begged. I cried. I served. No matter how long I prayed or how long I stayed in the presence of God, there would always be times I felt I was alone. I knew God was everywhere. I knew he could hear my every word spoken by my mouth. There were most times I felt safe with Him. Times I enjoyed and thanked Him for. I thanked God that I was part of His kingdom, that He revealed to me His promise, that He accepted me as His child. I did all I could think of for God: I offered my talents to Him, my life, my future. Yet where did my future lead me to? To a major I never liked. To a life I never wished to have. To where my potential had not reached its peak.

I rebelled against God. I took the things I gave up for Him. I held on to my future, my life, and my potentials. I did all in my own effort. I regretted I took that major. I regretted I lay behind my skills. I neglected my capabilities. I was frustrated that I didn’t become who I wanted to be, unable to make a name for myself, unable to make the most use of my skills and yet had it become as just a hobby.

I tried to journey back. Back to the passionate one. One who had her passions, dreams, and life on music, on computers, on Math, on making a name, being acknowledged. I was desperate to fulfil my dreams, my wishes, my wants. I didn’t want my shattered dreams to be fully shattered by my present state in college. I tried to gain my all by trying to live this past to the future, by being impatient of wanting to end this nightmare soon.

Yet, I became weary and tired. All those nights working my countless assignments and duty the next day, cramming to catch up my studies for the exams, plus the anxiety these brought me and the regret I took such course. Spiritually, I became bare. The fire stopped burning. Emotionally, I was shattered. I was lonely. I felt miserable. I wanted to die. What life can this bring me when my life had already died away when I entered this stage of life?

I cried God for help. Almost every night, I begged for Him to help me, send someone, anyone to help me. I cried to God, “Enough! It’s too much. I’ve had it.” I was so lonely. I wished to embrace God just to keep away the pain. I called for His company, for His presence. When finally I could no longer take the insult, the pain, the suffering, I yelled at God. I blamed Him for leading me to this life. I made a fist at Him.

After that night, I regretted what I did, but my pride crept in on me. I still hated my life. Every night, I looked up at the sky: no stars but one big full moon staring blankly at me, “God, I yelled at you. I’m sorry, but I’m still turning my back on you. You, the Truth, are hard to turn away to the Lie, but I still hurt. I’m sorry.”

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That’s not the end yet.

God was just beginning His work in me and I hadn’t noticed that because I was so full of my self. When I had let go of Him, I didn’t know I also let go of my self. Being all fed up with life, I let go. Come what may. Yet, I was still desperate. I wanted God back but I was afraid.

One day, God allowed me to think deeply about Him and me until I got tired from too much thinking. I was working on something and still, I was able to think. I wanted to share something to someone before I make that one decision which I tried to escape: learning about God and His open arms.

God was trying to make me the person He wanted me to become, but He could not do that when I was so inflated about me. God knew when was the best time He could teach me. He knew all along what He wanted from me. He wanted me to let go and to mind Him and not me. God answered my prayer for help when I wasn’t expecting it anymore. He brought His peace. He showed His love. He tried to teach me that He is God and Master of my life. He taught me it was not just me in this world, that there were other people as well. He showed me His family, His flock, His kingdom. He brought me His family telling me that I belonged to them just as I belonged to God. He made His family so I could no longer be lonely and that I had Him and His family to turn to. God made me flesh so I could be with flesh. He made me part of His family so I could be His family. God taught me love. He conveyed His love to others to love me. God never gave up His family and He never gives up on me.

I may still dislike my course, but I try, with God’s Love, to take the course again and pass it even when I still hurt a lot because of the struggles it brings.

P.S. I had given up my music which was my dream, my passion, my life because it was taking the place which was supposed to be for God. God is my Dream, my Passion, and my Life.

May this testimony and promise be forever be printed in me, also to anyone, and not replaced.