Dear God (Aug. 5, 2011)

Dear God,

I am a coward. I am isolating myself from Your people.

I am scared because I don't wish to feel the emotions that are brought by the pain that is present at these times.

I want to love. I want to be with Your family, but I'm hindered because of the pain.

God, You love me so much, but having a relationship with You is not two-way like the relationships with people. Having a relationship with You is three-way.

God, I don't want to lose my spiritual mother just like others who have taken care of me before her. I don't want us to happen like my past.

God, I have already presented back myself to my spiritual mother and have found that isolating myself is wrong for the reason of protecting myself from her because I am not safe with her anymore. However, I am still isolating myself from her and from everyone.

All I want from her is to take back what she has said, but whatever is, whether she would take it back or not, God, I miss my spiritual mother, my Big Sister.

God, take care of my Big Sister.

God, I also pray to hurry up the times of healing for her because I am getting sicker. I don't like these stomachaches and frequent headaches.

She may have lost her trust in me, but I have lost my trust in her first. However, I still adore her and love her.

God, You are a God of relationships. You are not my God if I have no relationships. God bring us back together and I am sorry for the breaking of the bond You have brought to us. You have given me her; it is not I who bring me to her. You have brought me to her; it is not her who has led me to her. It is all Your work.

God, I am sorry.

Help me grow with You.

Help me to love with You.

Help me be overflowingly sufficient in You.

God, please be my God. Help me.

I am sorry. I have sinned.

I am crushed

I am broken

I am sorry

For I have sinned

I slander

I idolize

I lie

I am impure

I divide what God has made whole

I am sorry

For I have sinned

I deserve bad things

I deserve being hated

I deserve to be empty from God's blessings

I am sorry

For I have sinned

I have no power to change things

I have no control to mend relationships

I have a history of broken pasts

Still, I am sorry

For I have sinned

Forgive me God

For I have sinned against you and your family

Draw me close to you

You make all things good is blurry to me

Let me trust you and lean not on my own understanding

God, I have a broken past

God, heal my present

God, make my future whole

I am sorry

For I have sinned